bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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