FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
