She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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