Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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