hotel room ftw
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
