You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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