You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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