New low: just hacked my moms facebook
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
