its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I would ride that face into the sunset
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
