had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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