I feel great
I just peed on a car
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
