I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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