remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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