Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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