If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
