im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
