You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
