I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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