Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
