I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
