Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
