Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
