Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It's official drugs can't kill me
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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