I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
