I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
