I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize