just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
