Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
