When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
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