I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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