Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
