I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
