my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
