Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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