I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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