Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
