pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
