i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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