They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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