I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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