it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
