yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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