Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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