it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
