You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
