Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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