Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
