The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
