My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
