wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
did i walk over a car last night?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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