how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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