Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
