The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
