Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
