god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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