I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
